Where's the bar?

Image created by ChatGPT Jun 8-26

The past two weeks have been very challenging for me. I had a bit of health scare, where I originally thought possible heart issue, which turned out to be something else (massive heart burn coupled with a pulled muscle).

I had woken up with this strange sensation of feeling like I had something pressing on my esophagus - not the “I-have-a-sore-throat” feeling. I’d had heartburn before, but this felt different. I shared my concerns with my husband, my daughter and my son. I started work at 9am, working from home and logging into my first meeting. After sharing my symptoms, my colleagues suggested a call to 811, and after speaking with the nurse, my son was now driving me to the ER.

At the hospital, they were quick to assess and triage me, ECG and bloodwork. Throughout this time, I didn’t feel panicked, but worried. My husband and I text throughout the day. He was concerned and yet, he did not come up to the hospital. After a long day of waiting, I was given results - nothing life threatening but rather a pulled chest muscle coupled with heartburn that caused an esophagus spasm (well that's a new one for me)!

As I left the hospital, my husband showed up, with the items I’d said I might need for my stint waiting. Of course, those were no longer needed.

I got home, decompressed, and realized I was sitting with something heavy on my chest. It wasn’t heartburn or the pulled chest muscle, it was the fact, that during that ordeal that I had felt alone. Now my husband, kids and colleagues were checking in on me, but I did not feel as though I had a ‘person’ sitting beside me. Feeling like someone ‘had me.’ I tried dismissing this feeling – what a horrible thought. I explained to my husband that I felt disappointed, and again, quickly moved on.

The next day, I sat with that. Each time it popped up, I dismissed it – for so many reasons: it wasn’t that serious, if I had a ‘tone’ in my voice surely, he would have come, I’m just being sensitive, and so on. Try as I might, that narrative kept emerging, until I had no choice but to stop and acknowledge it.

What was it about this that triggered me? What bothered me? What hurt? I am a strong, confident woman. I don’t like being vulnerable. I don’t like to ask for help. I feel as though ‘my person’ should know me well enough to respond without being asked. I feel as though I give my time and attention to others if they are not feeling well – and they don’t need to ask. I have a set of expectations of what I want from others.

My question is “Where's the bar?” 

Where is the threshold for acceptable behaviour? And who decides?

The intention of this post is to open a conversation about how do we establish and maintain healthy boundaries around what we need and how we expect to be treated? 

A bit of quick research suggested the following:

1. Get clear on your own standards and communicate them (be direct and specific).

2. Practice communicating your needs. Each time you stick by your standards it makes it easier for you to do and for others to understand.

3. Be prepared to walk away. If things are not landing and you’ve repeatedly been disregarded, you can choose your next steps (I need a breather, I need to step away, etc.).

If you’ve had moments like these or have suggestions about what’s worked or is working for you, please share in the comments – it might help someone else working through it (like me).